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Does the noise in my head bother you?
This garment is made entirely from animals who committed suicide in the wild.
The culmination of years of random genetic mishaps.
I know this sounds strange but all I want is a normal life.
Codependent if you want me to be.
I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eatvegetables.
Sure is strange being grown up.
What's the sense in having a cat if you can't torment it?
They found me while searching for alternatives.
A tiny speck in a ruthless universe.
I tried to contain myself but I escaped.
Protect me from what I want.
We regret any inconvenience caused by our arrogance and greed.
At this time I think it's prudent to re-route your synaptic connections.
I emit sonic waves for the pleasure of mutant warlords.
Doing my part to make your day a little more surreal.
Let's go back to my place for some reckless eye contact.
Everything I need to know about life I learned by killing smart people and eating their brains.
I tried getting my shit together, but who needs a pile of shit?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Oh, sure. But what's the speed of dark?
If they call it tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
You only need two things in this world. WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop.
8 out of 10 people suffer from hemorrhoids . . . the other 2 enjoy them . . .
I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars when I suddenly thought to myself, "Where the hell did my roof go?"
Thank you for not being perky.
Never offend with style when you can offend with substance.
I admire someone who can create such a seamless defense against reality.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Humans... God's attempt to pass the Turing test.
I feed upon the flesh of the living ... and I vote.
Adding manpower to a late project is like getting nine women pregnant in hopes of obtaining a baby in one month.
CTUHULHU For President; Why Vote for the Lesser of Two Evils?
I can explain it to you, but I can't understand it for you.
A day without sunshine is like ... you know ... night.
A polar bear is just another way of expressing a rectangular bear.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
I'm a peripheral visionary.
If I'm not here, I've gone out to find myself. If I return before I get back, please keep me here.
How far can you open your mind before your brains fall out?
Lying in a ditch by the side of the Information Superhighway.
That was a non-sequitur of unique purity.
Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.
More than you wanted to know, later than you wanted to know it.
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the sun.
Stirring your tea is only normal if you stop doing it within a reasonable amount of time.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
If Bill Gates had a nickel for every time Windows crashed . . . Oh wait, he does!
The truth shall set you free, but first it will make you miserable.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
What part of "I'm afraid I have pressing business to attend to at the moment--perhaps some other time?" don't you understand?

Good Sigs Quotes I've Seen Around

This writing business, pencils and whatnot. Over-rated if youask me. --Eeyore
I have been Foolish and Deluded, and am a Bear of No Brain atAll. --Winniethe Pooh
Pooh: "Eeyore...would you mind not turning 'round like that? It muddles me, rather." Eeyore: "I like turnin'. 'Specially 'round."
Every ancient and traditional tribe should have or should have had a white American upper middle class college student to correct their behavior and keep them from doing icky things. --Joshua Geller
Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. --David Lloyd George
It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.--J. Krishnamurti
Hey! Where am I going? And what am I doing in this handbasket? --Liz Stokes, Ilaine de Cameron
Some small part of me still believes that you can put a fire out if you throw the gas fast enough. --Ken Huber
I've learned so much from my failures that I'm thinking of having some more. --Ashleigh Brilliant
Romeo and Juliet *died*. I always liked that in a teen romance story. --James Nicoll
Women want toasted ice. --Arab Proverb
Evil is just plain bad! You can't cotton to it! You've gotta smack it in the nose with the rolled-up newspaper of goodness. Bad dog! Bad dog! --The Tick
The lulls don't usually bunch up like this. --The Tick
Writers aren't exactly people; they're a whole lot of people trying to be one person. --F. Scott Fitzgerald
Adventure is a romantic word for trouble. --Louis L'Amour
The trick is to get a strong grip on reality--AND THEN CHOKE IT TO DEATH. --Geoffrey Withnell
If cars had evolved as fast as computers have, by now they'd cost a quarter, run for a year on a half-gallon of gas, and explode once a day. --Unattributed
American Non-Sequitur Society -- we don't make sense, but we do like pizza. --Unattributed
Child of a looser god. --Unattributed
Philosophy sufficiently advanced is indistinguishable from bullshit. --Greg Berge
Do, or do not. There is no try. --Yoda
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's within walking distance. --Unattributed
Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven / Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; / Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven / Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. --Lewis Carroll's "Jabberwocky" translated into German.
Those whom the gods would destroy, they first give computers. --Unknown
As an atheist, I believe that all life is unspeakably precious, because it's only here for a brief moment, a flare against the dark, and then it's gone forever. No afterlives, no second chances, no backsies. So there can be nothing crueler than the abuse, destruction or wanton taking of a life. It is a crime no less than burning the Mona Lisa, for there is always just one of each. --J. Michael Straczynski
What information consumes is rather obvious: it consumes the attention of its recipients. Hence a wealth of information creates a poverty of attention, and a need to allocate that attention efficiently among the overabundance of information sources that might consume it. --Nobel laureate economist Herbert Simon, Scientific American, Sept. 1995
Anybody can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way -- that is not within everybody's power and is not easy. --Aristotle
The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it. --George Bernard Shaw
Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. --Katherine Hepburn
Most of us, when all is said and done, like what we likeand make up reasons for it afterwards. --Soren F. Petersen
One of the delights known to age, and beyond the grasp of youth, is that of Not Going. --J. B. Priestly
Yes, but you're taking the universe out of context. --Ashleigh Brilliant
It's not an information highway, it's an information kudzu. --Alan Wexelblat
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailingstandard of nonconformity. --Bill Vaughan
Four Stages of Acceptance: 1. This is worthless nonsense. 2. This is an interesting, but perverse, point of view. 3. This is true, but quite unimportant. 4. I always said so. --J. B. S. Haldane
There is a great difference between not wishing to do evil and notknowing how. --Seneca
Under capitalism, man exploits man.Under socialism, it's just the opposite. --John Kenneth Galbraith
Civilization is just a temporary failure of entropy. --Christine Nelson
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. --Matt Groening
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning ofwhich I disapprove. --Ashleigh Brilliant
It was a fine cow, as cows go, but, like so many cows, it lacked sustained dramatic interest. --P.G. Wodehouse
The idea... has not been tried and found wanting, it has been found difficult and left untried. --G.K. Chesterton
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that naturereplaces it with. --Tennessee Williams
I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pigheaded fool. --Katharine Whitehorn
The very purpose of existence is to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think about us. --Quentin Crisp
Always... always remember. Less is Less. More is More. More is better, andtwice as much is good too...not enough is bad and too much is never enoughexcept when it's just about right. --The Tick
Not all conservatives are stupid, but most stupid people are conservative. --John Stuart Mill
Nothing, I suspect, is more astonishing in any man's life than the discovery that there do exist people very, very like himself. --C.S. Lewis
Internet (n). A world-wide network of computers which allows a person to demonstrate self-importance to and practice self-aggrandisement on a far wider audience than previously possible. --Unattributed
The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are Insane. --Mark Twain
I plan to become so famous that people buy tapes of me reading source code. --Unattributed
Come to think of it, there already are a million monkeys on a million typewriters . . . and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare. -- Blair Houghton
I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education. --Wilson Mizner
Don't worry boys. We'll weather this storm of approval and come out as hated as ever. --Saul Aulinski
A fanatic is a man who does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case. --Finley Peter Dunne
You couldn't find a clue if you smeared yourself with clue musk and did the clue mating dance in a field full of horny clues! --Unattributed
The only intuitive user interface is the nipple. After that, it's all learned. --Bruce Ediger
The irony of the Information Age is that it has given new respectability to uninformed opinion. --John Lawton
Making the decision to have a child is momentous -- it is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. --Elizabeth Stone
Tolerance is the virtue of the man without convictions. --G.K. Chesterton
When you choose the lesser of two evils, always remember that it is still an evil. --Max Lerner
Hey, you know the difference between you and God? God never thinks He's you. --Annie Lamott
Humility is not my forte, and whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings, they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things, not at all like the glaring defects in other people's characters. --Margaret Halsey
The older I get the more I admire and crave competence, in any field from adultery to zoology. --H.L. Mencken (via George Will)
The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any. --Alice Walker
The secret formula for breeding horses is to resign yourself to not making money and to learn to dress funny and live on oatmeal. --Margaret Gardiner
To do great, important tasks, two things are necessary: a plan and not quite enough time. --Unattributed

And, finally, 101 Ways to Abuse the Usenet

1. Post a message asking how to post messages.
2. Lead a tireless crusade for the creation of newsgroups with silly names like alt.my.butt.is.hairy.
3. Put 4 addresses, 5 lines of "Geek Code", 6 ASCII-art bicycles, a PGP key, and your home phone in your signature.
4. Reinvigorate a discussion by switching attributions in followups.
5. Post recipes on rec.pets.cats.
6. Post a compendium of old articles from a thread that died months ago with a title such as "*** HAS JOE SMITH FORGOTTEN HIS LIES? ***"
7. Post a 56-part binary MPG file of your dog throwing up to news.answers. Announce that you screwed it up and repeat.
8. On the MST3K groups, ask what happened to Joel.
9. Ask readers of rec.music.misc to post their favorite Zeppelin tune "for a poll".
10. Reacquaint the readers of rec.humor with the "two-strings-go-in-a-bar" joke.
11. Determine a perversion so bizarre or obscure that it doesn't yet have its own sex group.
12. Post your new "War Heroes of India" FAQ to soc.culture.pakistan.
13. Start this week's new AOL virus rumor.
14. Format your posts for 90 columns (or 20).
15. Provide a valuable public service by notifying the eager readers of roughly 1,200 newsgroups of your new "HOOTERAMA" phone sex service or "PorqWhiffe" pheramone cologne.
16. Post elaborate conspiracy theories to talk.politics.misc detailing how ATF agents under the control of Chelsea Clinton and Socks have implanted invisible microchips in your genitals.
17. Fill that empty mailbox, make new friends, delight your postmaster, and selflessly lead others to riches with a few "MAKE MONEY FAST" posts.
18. Attempt to sell your sweaty underwear in alt.clothing.lingerie.
19. Follow up a 200-line post to add only your signature.
20. Crosspost Amiga articles to the Mac and PC newsgroups for a valuable interchange of provocative ideas.
21. Announce a mailing list for Bill Gates' VISA card number.
22. Inform the readers of alt.sex that your friend at a particular address is taking a penis length survey, and the first 1000 people to send him their measurements will receive free naked pictures of Cindy Crawford.
23. Correct every spelling mistake you encounter, but misspell the word "imbecile" in your followup flames.
24. Flame yourself, and complain to your own postmaster.
25. Ask readers of the Star Trek groups when they last had dates.
26. Post personal ads on groups such as alt.sex.diapers listing your work phone number.
27. Post under the name Dave Rhodes.
28. Followup every post in a newsgroup ranking them on a scale from 1 to 10.
29. Establish your own little Usenet niche by writing a Wink Martindale FAQ.
30. Advise other readers to ftp to 127.0.0.1 for "really cool nudie pics".
31. Post daily word searches to rec.puzzles.
32. Post your trig homework to sci.math and ask the readers to e-mail you the answers, since you "don't read the group".
33. Provoke insightful and productive debates on fresh new topics such as abortion, gun control, the existence of God, penile circumcision, and the relative superiority of Mac or PC operating systems.
34. Pick a cutesy handle that inspires vicarious embarrassment in other readers, such as "SoHot4U", "SokSnifer", or "WetNWild".
35. Maintain a high-level of constructive decorum by addressing someone with whom you disagree as "monkey boy".
36. Inform the readers of the sex groups that they're "going straight to hell", and then proceed to followup a variety of titillating posts.
37. Post to alt.folklore.urban that this guy that a friend of your uncle's ex-girlfriend's boss knew received the donated heart of River Phoenix.
38. Relentlessly inform the readers of groups such as rec.pets.iguanas or sci.agriculture of your UFO, JFK, OJ, NRA, NSA, Nutrasweet, and Azeri genocide theories. Relate them all to sunspot activity and ancient astronauts.
39. Post instructions telling other readers how to put you in their killfile.
40. Post whining, misspelled, and vaguely creepy personal ads in wildly inappropriate newsgroups, and followup to berate the readers for not responding.
41. Announce that a particular site has opened up a new combination OJ Jury Info/Homemade Bombs/Kiddie Porn/Scientology Documents/Computer Subliminal Hypnosis ftp archive.
42. Construct a device that lets your pets post to Usenet by pawing or pecking a feeder bar.
43. Post the Niemann Marcus cookie recipe to rec.food.recipes.
44. Eliminate nearly all meaningful traffic on a newsgroup for weeks by challenging its readership to come up with as many synonyms as possible for the word vomit.
45. Accuse other posters of being AI experiments, Perl scripts, or Emacs macros.
46. Claim that you can see "hidden images" in another person's posting when you cross your eyes.
47. Ask Austrian readers about kangaroos.
48. Ask Australian readers about alpine skiing.
49. Include Rush lyrics or Rush quotes in all your posts.
50. Accuse female posters of being male.
51. Make an anonymous posting accusing others of cowardice.
52. Accuse a fellow AOL or Prodigy subscriber of being a "newbie" because their 3 months on the net are dwarfed by your own span of 4.
53. Insist that anyone objecting to your compulsive fascination with consuming the flesh of strangled disabled minors is "judgemental".
54. If you've grown tired of typing, effectively end a thread by accusing others of being Nazis.
55. Ask readers of soc.culture.nordic whether the Swedish Chef has a Sampo.
56. Write and regularly post a FAQ about yourself.
57. Post graphic descriptions of your bowel movements, genital sores, and various suppurating wounds to alt.tasteless.
58. Ask readers of sci.med for urgent, step-by-step instructions on removing arrows, or inquire why all your extremities have turned dark purple.
59. Insist that there's no such state in the U.S. as "New Mexico".
60. Post only in Esperanto.
61. Claim a copyright on the word "Usenet", and followup with a bill all posts you encounter that contain it.
62. Sell "posting permits" in news.announce.newusers.
63. Post single-part text messages in MIME format.
64. Ask the readers of rec.sewing whether any of them want to be the drummer for your new band, "Death Monkeys".
65. Claim to be an amorous highschool cheerleader while posting under a name such as "Robert Bradley Smith, Jr."
66. In the spirit of purest optimism, ask other readers to followup with their account passwords and credit card numbers.
67. Why use a single question mark or exclamation point when you can use at least thirty?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
68. List a cute organization name in your header, such as "Canadians for Global Warming".
69. Insult a poster from another nation based on his country's performance in World War II.
70. Post vitriolic, frothing, hair-trigger flames in polite newsgroups, as if you were a testosterone-crazed adolescent debating which shotgun is superior in alt.games.doom.
71. Followup spam posts in the belief that the originator, who probably follows the group closely and is desperately curious about receiving feedback, will see your impassioned plea and be so moved by your lengthy, point-by-point indictment of their conduct that they pledge to desist from such activity for all time.
72. Regardless of its accuracy, followup another post with the line "BZZZT! Wrong answer!" or "Hello! McFly!"
73. Use a 120-line ASCII graphic of Spock as your signature.
74. Post to soc.culture.women asking "what's your favorite brand of oven mitt, little ladies?"
75. Post to news.annnounce.newusers asking if there are any nurses in Portland willing to spank you. Followup with an apology. Followup again with the original article.
76. Post with a newsreader that replaces punctuation marks with strange, non-ASCII characters.
77. Steer all debates to your own pet subjects of expertise, regardless of their relevance.
78. Make it clear from your postings that you've a profound inability to distinguish "The X Files" as fiction.
79. Insist that another poster is really Serdar Argic or Kibo.
80. Post 20-part encoded image files from NASA ftp archives that you claim show clear evidence of alien settlements.
81. Insinuate vague conspiracies in all your posts.
82. Spam post alarming ten-year-old files about Congressional bills to tax modem usage "in the name of freedom".
83. Claim that unidentified government agencies are censoring your posts.
84. Ask readers to collect aluminum pop-tops on behalf of Craig Shergold.
85. Ask readers of comp.sci.algorithms how to get Super Mario to the castle.
86. POST IN ALL CAPS
87. omit all punctuation
88. omitallspaces
89. DOALLTHREEOFTHEABOVE
90. Ask the readers of alt.current-events.net-abuse where to purchase Cantor and Siegel's book.
91. Post the phone number of the Michigan Militia to alt.conspiracy as the "Classified ATF Secret Hotline".
92. Compose an exhaustively researched 15-part FAQ detailing the favorite movie musicals of relatives of the Deep Space Nine cast. Post it weekly in its entirety.
93. Strive to ensure that no two consecutive words in your posts are correctly spelled.
94. Enrich the lives of thousands with a thoughtful and impassioned debate on the topic "AOL users suck".
95. Dispense essential and priceless financial advice, such as the assertion that no one is legally required to pay taxes.
96. Demand that others cease using the letter e, as you find it "dply offnsiv".
97. Post to rec.music.misc insisting that "Curt Kobain should leave Pearl Jam since they'll never tour again."
98. Assume that the entire Usenet hierarchy shares your interest in helping lonely Ukrainian lasses find love.
99. Followup another person's posts every twelve minutes to accuse them of "obsessing".
100. Followup two dozen of another person's posts to accuse them of harassing you. Send copious e-mail if you're ignored.
101. Start pointless debates over topics such as whether Whoopi Goldberg has eyebrows, what happens when you cross the International Dateline, and whether the bad guy in Popeye cartoons was named "Bluto" or "Brutus".

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